Seventeen Ways To Irritate
by Lace Brandon Whitlock
Summary: Rather self explainitory, I think. Seventeen ways to drive the Harry Potter charactes up the wall. Rated T, because... Well, because.
1. Voldemort

**Disclamer: If I owned Harry Potter, Voldemort would constantly start to commit suicide, go into a crappy flashback, and then descide to just continue being dark and sensitive with low-self-esteem, pining for his secret love, Harry Potter, and planning a way to blask Ginny Weasley to itty bitty bits, making Fred and Draco really depressed, and start seeking comfort from some girl who bears a striking resemblence to myself, forming a nice little love triangle, only Fred and Draco don't like eachother much until a tragedy occurs that forces them to forget their differences and become bestest buddies. Obviously, I do not own Harry Potter.**

**17 Ways To Annoy Lord Voldemort**

1. Repeditively tell him that the reason he keeps loosing his supporters is because he doesn't have a super cool scar like Harry Potter.

2. Only wear red and gold at Death Eater meetings and refuse to wear different colors. Watch his eye twitch just at the sight of him.

3. On his birthday, throw him a party, insisting he is a lord and deserves entertainment. Take away his wand, insisting everything must be done for him, and invite Harry Potter. Kill him. Watch him sob in utter depression for having his life's ambition stolen from him.

4. Tell him destroying the world was so last week.

5. Tell him to stop being emo, because it's not dark enough and too Harry Potter, and he can't afford a psycho lunatic after _him_.

6. Replace his wand with one from Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes and bring Harry Potter. Watch him try to curse The-Boy-Who-Just-Won't-Bloody-Die with a rubber chicken!

7. Ask him constantly how his Death Eaters eat death.

8. Tell him that Lucius and Narcissa are having marriage troubles and Lucius is looking for new 'special someone'. Wink suggestfully.

9. When he is staring at you with anger, give him an Anger Management card and say, "Call. You really need it."

10. Call him Moldywart Potter, and tell him that once that baby of his is born, it'll probably kill him in his sleep because of it's inheirited must-kill-my-father/Lord Voldemort gene.

11. Ask him where he got his robes, when the gay wizard store burned down after the owner broke up with Dumbledore.

12. Tell him that he should take sexy lessons from Draco Malfoy.

13. When he's mad about not being able to kill Harry Potter and taking out his anger on you, give him this advice: "Step One: Get up and walk into Hogwarts, seeing as it's pathetically easy, as everyone's to scared of him to do anything. Step Two: Kill him. Step Three: Leave." Then ask him how difficult it was to come up with that plan.

14. Tell him that it's so nice that he gave his beauty for the Veela. Now nice boys like Harry Potter have girls on their arms, and you're stuck with Bellatrix.

15. If he notes that he is a powerful man, scream hysterically, "MAN?! Didn't see THAT coming!"

16. Teach him the words to "My Humps".

17. Put the Imperius curse on him, and make him sing "My Milkshake" on top of the table at the Death Eater meeting while dancing like Justin Timberlake. Videotape it. Send it to Harry Potter.


	2. Harry

**Disclamer: If I owned Harry Potter, Voldemort would constantly start to commit suicide, go into a crappy flashback, and then descide to just continue being dark and sensitive with low-self-esteem, pining for his secret love, Harry Potter, and planning a way to blask Ginny Weasley to itty bitty bits, making Fred and Draco really depressed, and start seeking comfort from some girl who bears a striking resemblence to myself, forming a nice little love triangle, only Fred and Draco don't like eachother much until a tragedy occurs that forces them to forget their differences and become bestest buddies. Obviously, I do not own Harry Potter.**

**17 Ways To Annoy Harry Potter**

1. Repeditively ask him why he didn't want to go to Slytherin, and if it was because they are all ugly. Then say, "Wait. I'm a Slytherin. Are you calling me ugly?" Then burst into tears and run away.

2. Write a book called Harry Potter: Hero or Homo? Include tons of Harry/Snape pictures and fanfics in it. Send copys to everybody, including Ginny and claim it's an autobiography.

3. Refer to Draco Malfoy as "Precious" and bring him to the Gryffindor common room. Every time anybody even looks at him, hiss in an immitation as Gollum, "My precious..."

4. Have Draco make all the Slytherin males be really nice to Ginny-and only Ginny.

5. For Christmas, send him a box of Advil every hour after he goes to bed.

6. Stare openly at his forehead and say, "I swear to Merlin that it was on the other side when you were a baby!" Repeat everytime he looks at you.

7. Tell him that you understand that the Dursley's didn't care about his style before he went to Hogwarts when he got those glasses, but that the "Grampa Look" is really not for him.

8. Scream, "IT'S A PIPE BOMB! YAY!"

9. Draw a lightning shaped scar on Draco's forehead and show it to Harry and proclaim loudly, "You've got competition now, Potter. And this one's actually good looking!"

10. Say, "Great, Harry! You've destroyed a perfectly good word! Now what do I say when I'm not joking?" and then stalk away in anger and leave him going into a flashback about Sirius' death and going into his emo mood again.

11. Go to the Room of Requirement needing a place to hide Harry where nobody but you can find him. Throw him in it and declare you're the Secret Keeper. Wait a few minutes and then proclaim, "Where's Harry?" Leave him there for a few hours... Or days...

12. Suck on his finger, then ask if he knows the number for the Gatorade company, seeing as your Gatorade 'tastes like ungly boy'.

13. Tell him to lean over to your ear When he actually does it and he wispers, "Why am I doing this?" yell," YOU LOVE DRACO MALFOY? CHEATER! CHEATER! CHEATER! GINNY'S GONNA MURDER YOU!" as loud as possible in the Great Hall.

14. Send him love notes signed bye Oliver Clothesoff.

15. Ask how Cedric's doing, and cry when he gets all akward and says he's died.

16. Tell him he's too much of a pussy to be in Slytherin anyway.

17. Everytime he says Draco's name, charm for the song "I Will Always Love You" to play.


	3. Draco

**Disclamer: If I owned Harry Potter, Voldemort would constantly start to commit suicide, go into a crappy flashback, and then descide to just continue being dark and sensitive with low-self-esteem, pining for his secret love, Harry Potter, and planning a way to blask Ginny Weasley to itty bitty bits, making Fred and Draco really depressed, and start seeking comfort from some girl who bears a striking resemblence to myself, forming a nice little love triangle, only Fred and Draco don't like eachother much until a tragedy occurs that forces them to forget their differences and become bestest buddies. Obviously, I do not own Harry Potter.**

**17 Ways To Annoy Draco Malfoy**

1. Ask him why he couldn't kill Dumbledore. Was it because he really was just being a pussy, he's desprately in love with Harry and didn't want to kill off his role-model, or because he has some hidden feelings for the old psychopath?

2. Ask him if his hair is a helmet, protecting him from Mudbloods and blood traitors... and Crabbe and Goyle's IQ... and his own stupidity.

3. Pronounce his name wrong. DRACK-OH, DRAW-CO, DRA-EEE-CO, DRAKE-EEE-OH, DRACK-AAA-OH...

4. Ask him what the real reason he went off with Snape was. Wink suggestfully.

5. Tell him to get off the Hate Train and stop drinking Haterade, repeditively, every single time he says something even remotely sad or depressing.

6. Ask him if when he is the head of the Malfoy house, if he will PMS all the time too. Then lean in and wisper loudly, "What size tampon will you need?"

7. Dress up like him for Halloween. Wear a dress and yell, "LOOK! LOOK! I'M DRACO WITHOUT HIS SEX CHANGE OPPERATION! AREN'T I SMEXY?"

8. Adopt a blonde child and approach him with a freaked out look and say, "Um... Draco, where's my child support? Harry _always_ has his child support ready! Don't you love Draco Jr?"

9. Go up to him and say, "Harry is being such a spoiled git! Strutting around like he owns the place. And Pansy is being a bitch again, Crabbe and Goyle are fighting over a chocolate chip cookie, Voldemort and I are officially together, and I'd really like for you to give him back his sparkely pink thong. The sex is so much more enjoyable with it."

10. Hide in a closet, and when you see him coming, pull him in, turn on the light, and say, "Shit. I thought you were Harry." Then push him out, scream, "RAPIST!" and run into Harry's arm's.

11. If he threatens you or your friends, pull out a muggle-device and scream "THIS IS A DOOM-MACHINE! TAKE ONE MORE STEP AND THIS WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR!"

12. Ask him if he'd like to hang out sometime. When he says yes, pull out your agenda and flip through the pages, muttering, "Harry, Voldemort, Harry, Harry, Neville, Ron, Fred, George, Fred and George, Severus, Voldemort, Lucius, Lucius, Hagrid, Harry, Harry, Harry, Seamus, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Sirius, Remus, Voldemort, Voldemort, Harry, Harry, Neville, Ron, Fred, George, Fred and George, Severus, Voldemort, Lucius, Lucius, Hagrid, Harry, Harry, Harry, Seamus, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Sirius, Remus, Voldemort, Voldemort, Harry, Harry, Neville, Ron, Fred, George, Fred and George, Severus, Voldemort, Lucius, Lucius, Hagrid, Harry, Harry, Harry, Seamus, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Sirius, Remus, Voldemort, Albus, Blaise, Blaise, Blaise, Blaise, Blaise, Blaise, Vincent, Gregory..." Then smile, look up, and declare, "Draco Malfoy! There, you're scheduled for January 15th of next year. See you in 6 months!"

13. Tell him that there's a killer loose in the school who's killing anybody named Draco. Then look horrified and scream, "THAT'S YOUR NAME!"

14. If he's in a bad mood, ask him if 'Mother Nature gave him his gift over-night'.

15. Tell him to meet you in the Room of Requirement at 8:00. When he gets there, be sure to be kissing a boy (any boy will do) and that neither of you have a shirt on. Then look up and scream, "I SAID 9:00, DAMMIT!"

16. Go up to him crying and stutter out "At...least Harry...would take an Avada Kedavra...for me!" then run off and fall into Harry's open arms.

17. Get a white ferret, hide it from view, and when he walks into the room, pull it out (quickly) and put it up to his face, shouting "TWINS!!" Then tell him that he and the ferret, and Fred and George can start a twins club and wear matching outfits.


	4. Severus Snape

**Disclamer: If I owned Harry Potter, Voldemort would constantly start to commit suicide, go into a crappy flashback, and then descide to just continue being dark and sensitive with low-self-esteem, pining for his secret love, Harry Potter, and planning a way to blast Ginny Weasley to itty bitty bits, making Fred and Draco really depressed, and start seeking comfort from some girl who bears a striking resemblence to myself, forming a nice little love triangle, only Fred and Draco don't like eachother much until a tragedy occurs that forces them to forget their differences and become bestest buddies. Obviously, I do not own Harry Potter.**

**17 Ways To Annoy Severus Snape**

1. Get a hose. Follow him. Spray him down. Run.

2. Slip him a potion that makes him say everything to the tune of 'I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts'.

3. Bring large piles of books to his classes and verify everything he says, saying, "He's right, you know!" and "Mmmhmm."

4. Draw a lightning bolt on his forehead with a Sharpie marker.

5. Owl him some shampoo durning his classes.

6. Get your potion all over him. Smile when he splutters incoherently with anger and ask if THAT deserves a detention.

7. When you see him in the halls, ask him if he's off to the batcave.

8. Imply that you think Professor Lupin was the only deserving applicant for the Dark Arts job.

9. Publish a newsletter detailing his life and everyday activities. Call it 'The Daily Snape'

10. Dress up like him for class. Write your name on all your papaers as Severus Snape, and insist on having him call you Sevvie.

11. Hum 'Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore' during any moments of silence in class.

12. Knock over your cauldron, spill it everywhere and shout 'Surf's up, Sir!'

13. Charm his quills to scream when he writes.

14. Go Christmas-caroling at his door. Do not leave or cease singing until dawn. Do this in July.

15. Hide in his chambers at night. Wake him up by jumping up and down on his bed shouting 'Rise and Shine Professor!'

16. When he glares at you, give a similar glare back. If he blinks or looks away jump up and shout "I beat the Grease Master!"

17. Call him 'Severus'. If you're brave, call him 'Sev'. If you're REALLY brave, call him 'Sevvi-kins'. If you're suicidal, call him 'your precious little ball of Sevvi-kins joy'.


End file.
